File folder…black on front with only TOP SECRET stamp across it and perhaps Muses 009 on the tab. Inside opens to full color sketches of the floats with a blurb next to each one…
(our goal is to try to go with a basic size file folder…legal if they don’t all fit.
Float 1 – Title Float — Muses 009
Muses 009 – your mission, if you chose to accept it, is to reveal the truth behind the titles, find humor in the madness and embarrassments, uncover the celebrity scandals, honor local legends, and inspire the revelry of New Orleans this Mardi Gras season. As you are already a rogue agent, 009, you are on your own and you have a license…to swill. In this town you certainly need it.
Float 1a – Honorary Muse – Kimberly Rivers Roberts
Kimberly Rivers Roberts is the star of the award-winning Katrina documentary “Trouble the Water,” with first-person footage during the storm shot by Roberts with a hand-held camcorder she had purchased on the street only days before the storm. The movie tells the story of Roberts, who is also a bounce hip-hop artist known as BlackKoldMadina, as she was trapped in her Ninth Ward home during the storm and her family’s ordeals during the storm’s aftermath.
Kim’s performance in the movie has been lauded on a national level and the film was on many end-of-the-year top ten lists. Her indomitable spirit and her unstintingly honest and cogent observations about her experience reveal her as one of the heroes of Katrina and a role model for all women on how to rise above horrific circumstances and truly succeed.
Float 2 – Dr. Know (It-All)
They never are Dr. No. When the cameras start rolling, they always say yes to exposure and with an answer for everything. Reveal the truth behind Dr. Corey Hebert, Dr. Phil, Dr. Laura and Dr. Know (It All)
Float 3 – From China with Love
Your mission, look away from Russia (at least you can’t see it from your house) and start looking at what’s in our dog food, our baby formula, our toys – but never our Mardi Gras beads! Check that cargo container and let’s see what we are getting From China With Love…and possibly lead and melamine.
Float 4 – Golddigger
Keep an eye on her. She can be found in the company of millionaires and the like…and whoever she touches turns to matrimony…with no prenup. She is one slick double DD agent, she is hot…she is Golddigger
Float 5 – Thunderball
Agent 009, it’s time to investigate that Thunderball that is knocking down projects, homes and oops – another building that was supposed to be taken off the demolition list. Coming soon to a Catholic Church near you.
Float 6 – You Only Live Twice
Here’s an exciting mission – find out how she did it. Some politicians fade away, but Council President Jackie Clarkson has broken the mold. She has proven You Only Live Twice.
Float 7 – For Her Majesty’s Secret Services
Muses 009, your mission is to visit the spa, the dermatologist, the nail place on Tchoupitoulas….it is time to investigate why some women have no wrinkles whatsoever in their foreheads or even those little lines between their eyebrows…and why don’t those spy girls have any cellulite? Take you time and look into what is being done For Her Majesty’s Secret Services.
Float 8 – Diamonds Are NOT Forever
They told us diamonds were forever…turns out they were wrong. And now it feels like divorce procedings are actually forever. As you wait to forever dissolve the bonds of matrimony remember these words…Diamonds Are NOT Forever!
Float 9 – Live and Let Deny
Muses 009, follow him and find out the truth about a certain infamous Louisiana Senator and his cohort Pussy Galore. He was spotted leaving a brothel or a press conference or two, always seems to be with women named Wendy, always making CNN and coming up whenever another politician is caught in a sex scandal. Find out why others fall and vanish from sight but this man seems to be allowed to Live and Let Deny.
Float 10 – The Man with the Golden Card
He’s back…that man of power you have been following for six long years, that Chocolate City leader with the mighty mouth. He’s been spotted all over town having lavish meals with his wife and others and charging it to you and me… and his City of New Orleans gold card doesn’t expire until May 3rd, 2010. He is The Man with the Golden Card.
Float 11 – The Guy Who Loved Me
Agent, this assignment may be dangerous. It is your job to find out what happens when drunk fraternity boys end up in the back side of the French Quarter, wandering into pubs and rawhide saloons in intoxicated confusion. They often see a beautiful, unusually tall woman and fall oh so quickly. Investigate how they handle it when they wake up with the conquest that turns out to be The Guy Who Loved Me.
Float 12 – LoanBreaker
Agent Muses 009, there is a plot afoot…to wipe out home ownership and replace it with bank ownership. We thought the tax assessments were bad last year. But now the bubble has burst – it’s mortgage insanity and foreclosure mania and you must find the evil empire responsible for this Loanbreaker.
Float 13 – For Your Size Only
This will be a challenging mission Agent 009. Over the next several weeks you will be forced to eat tasteless low calorie food that is delivered to your house and microwaved, to go to meetings and count points, to choke down liquid concoctions of unspeakable horror. This mission is to figure out why some celebrities gain back weight so quickly and others vanish before our eyes…this mission is For Your Size Only
Float 14 – A View To A Bill
Find out how it happened, 009. Find out how Anne Duplessis managed to propose the largest legislator pay raise in the country in the madness of post–K Louisiana. She had a plan and she had the votes, but she had underestimated the new governor…she had A View To A Bill.
But don’t worry. Our double secret agent in the governor’s office managed to masquerade as Jindal and get it vetoed at the very last minute.
Float 15 – The Living Redlights
Beware, Agent 009 – they will get you. The Living Redlights have taken over control of the City of New Orleans, going beyond catching speeders. Turns out the city is now in better hands then it was with local government.
Float 16 – License To Swill
There’s a new villain in town – well just north of the lake but he may be coming to town with his city of Mandeville credit card for some wild weekend fun at Le Booze – all business of course. He’s a wild one and needs to be brought under your control. He’s Mayor Eddie Price and he has a License To Swill.
Float 17 – Golden Guy
He must be golden to inspire the masses not to mention commemorative plates, commemorative posters, commemorative coins, commemorative buttons and even Obama perfume…this man must be Golden Guy! Find out where to get some of that mojo!!
Float 18 – Tomorrow Prices Rise
It is an enigma that may be too great for even Agent 009 to figure out. Gas prices spike and then suddenly drop, the stock market goes up and down, and a loaf of bread now costs $436. It is a time of inflation insanity and recession confusion…hold on to your pennies because Tomorrow Prices Rise.
Float 19 – The World is Hot Enough
Your Mission: go green. The World is Hot Enough from global warming…obviously the plot of an evil empire that is threatening to destroy the ozone and melt the polar icecaps! Make that effort and use that re–museable shopping bag when you go to the grocery. Recycle. Renew. Reuse.
Float 20 – Fry Another Day
Agent 009, we have a supernatural mission for you – a trip to New Orleans Heaven to check in on some all time favorite locals. Don’t worry – we hear former Sheriff Harry Lee is no longer trying to selectively block the pearly gates. He has been joined by Al Copeland who is frying up some of his secret New Orleans recipe. Some characters are too magnificent to just fade way and we expect that Big Al may be gone but not forgotten. He will Fry Another Day.
Float 21 – Latino Royale
Agent, we are investigating how they do it…how has the Latin community become so endeared to the citizens of New Orleans in the past three years? Never underestimate the value of cheap labor and really good food trucks! In New Orleans these guys should be treated like Latino Royale.
Float 22 – Quantum of Solace
Agent 009, the people of New Orleans still seem to need a Quantum of Solace after a tough three and a half years. It is your mission to see how they are handling this…it seems to spike in June and die down in October. Coincidentally alcohol consumption and use of prescription medication seem to go up at the same time. And the lines at the prescription counters these days are longer then they ever were for Red Cross and FEMA checks.
Float 23 – Sirens 2009
Your mission is complete and we have received your final report… Just as we suspected – the spirit of this community is stronger then any vodka martini. The people of New Orleans are shaken but not stirred.